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Fasting on clear liquids today in preparation for my colonoscopy tomorrow. I thought fasting would be really hard for me because I love to eat. But so far it hasn’t been too bad. I didn’t really eat too much this past week anyway so it doesn’t feel like I’m missing anything. I can probably go ahead and guess that the industrial strenth laxitives I have to take tonight and tomorrow morning aren’t going to be fun. On the bright side my insides will be squeaky clean. And any gum I swallowed after 2001? Gone.
I’m looking forward to feeling cleansed and ultimately, finding out what’s wrong with my stomach. I really want to get back to feeling normal as quickly as I can.
Warning: this post involves an open discussion about my bowels, and their movements. Read At Your Own Risk
My posting has been more infrequent than I’d like but I haven’t been feeling well lately. It all started back when I was on vacation a couple of weeks ago. Mid-week I started getting some all too familiar symptoms; I eat something, than within ten minutes I’m running for the bathroom. This actually all started about a year ago but it would only last a day or two and even then it wasn’t every meal. This time though, it was worse. By Friday I was barely eating. My stomach hurt and I was getting weak and dehydrated from the excessive bowel movements. I spent the weekend resting and not eating too much and by Monday I started to feel better. I was able to eat a little snack here and there and not run to the bathroom. Wednesday came around and I was back to the routine. I decided it was time to call the doctor. Have I mentioned how much I hate going to the doctor?
I saw the doctor on Friday and he took blood and talked about Irritible Bowel Syndrome. They can’t test for IBS, they diagnose based on elimination of all other causes of my symptoms. My blood was tested for anemia, allergy to gluten, blood sugar level and a couple other things I can’t remember. Some of the results came back on Monday: I was anemic and my blood sugar was a little high. Oh, and fun part? They wanted me to schedule a colonoscopy.
Huh? A colonoscopy? I have to say, that caused a few alarms to go off. I’m only 36, what could they be looking for in there? My polyp reef isn’t fully developed yet, I’m sure of it. My brain took off in panic and prioritized all my worries for me. My #1 worry wasn’t “what if they find a big cancerous tumor” or “what if they have to replace my intestines with an old sock” it was:
What if I wake up during the procedure, not realize where I’m at or why I’m there, panic, leap off the exam table and start beating the doctor with his own ass cam? Yeah, I know you’re with me on this. What. If.
I talked to a few people and they assure me it’s not so bad. In fact, the worst part of it is the “prep” they say. Your on a clear liquid diet the day before and a poop marathon that evening. The morning of, another poop fest then off to the land of the butt cams. So, I’m fasting today. So far it hasn’t been too bad. I haven’t been eating much anyway so…whatever. I’m using this opportunity to purge and cleanse my system and maybe kick start a little weight loss.
I have to share this – My daughter made me a card yesterday because she knows I’m a little worried. For those who haven’t read any of my profile, my daughter is 13 and mood swings like crazy. Some days it takes all her energy to speak to me. So, when she handed me a card I almost cried (which would’ve made her roll her eyes for sure). As you can see, she has my sense of humor:
1. [Ty Cobb & Christy Mathewson, New York, NL during World Series (baseball)] (LOC), 2. believe, 3. A Boatman & His Dog Cruising Along in the Cannaregio Sestiere, Venice, 4. The Bluish Green, the greenish blue.., 5. Mike Rowe – Surfer Boy, 6. Essential Truths About Water, 7. Cottage by the sea, 8. chocolate marble cake, 9. Writer, 10. Mother and daughter ought to try the water, 11. Chaotic Soul, 12. christy b. buttoneye
I found this great Flickr meme over at Ink on my fingers. It’s easy and lots of fun, just type your answer to each question into a Flickr search. Choose your favorite image from the first page, then copy and paste each of the URL’s into the mosaic maker (3 columns, 4 rows).
Leave a link in the comments if you play so I can see yours too.
The questions:
1. What is your first name? Christy
2. What is your favorite food? spaghetti
3. What high school did you attend? Venice High
4. What is your favorite color? blue-green
5. Who is your celebrity crush? Mike Rowe
6. Favorite drink? water
7. Dream vacation? cottage by the sea
8. Favorite dessert? cake
9. What do you want to be when you grow up? writer
10. What do you love most in life? my daughter
11. One word to describe you. chaotic
12. Your Flickr name. christy_b
Dear Nicole,
You’re at your dad’s for the whole week and I’m going to miss you like crazy. This little break will be good for us though, you don’t have to listen to me nagging all week and I don’t have to pretend I’m not counting how many times your mood changed in the last 8 minutes. I have to say that this, your first official teenage year, has been a little rough. Trying times or not, I still worry about you like I did when you were a week old. My worrisome nature annoys the heck out of you sometimes but as I, and a thousand other mothers, always say, “You’ll understand someday when you have a child of your own.”
This helps you spread your wings a little bit too because your dad doesn’t keep the reins as tight as I do. Does it scare the shit out of me? Absolutely. Can I handle it? I’ll give it my best shot. Because I know you’ll call or text me everyday you’re gone and that alone tells me you miss me just a little bit. Or you feel sorry for me. Either way, it’s all good. Use this time to grow, to grow in a way that you may not be able to when you’re with me.
Know that whether you’re here or away I’m always thinking of you-how wonderfully blessed I am to have you, how much you make me laugh and what a truly beautiful young woman you’re turning out to be.
I love you pumpkin,
Mom
Originally uploaded by {christy_b}
sharp but satisfying
indecent
taste my words
sprinkled on your tongue
© copyright 2008-All Rights Reserved
This was submitted to the flickr group Mission24. The mission, to be completed in 24 hours, was to interpret the word Taste. This was my interpretation.
I’ve been in a disconnected funk the past two days. One of those where you just kind of float around with no definite direction and you think about everything all at once. Anxiety disorder is an unforgiving bitch that way. Can’t totally blame her though, at least she has the decency to sit her fat ass on my chest once in a while and say, “Hey, you don’t have your shit under control.”
I have anxiety disorder and have been dealing with it, unmedicated, for years now. Every so often I let myself get beyond the point where I’m able to manage it. I get to that point mainly because I’m stubborn but partly, and strictly for survival purposes, because I’m in denial. I’m not above giving it the ol’ “LA LA LA LA, I can’t hear you” routine. When it becomes too unmanageable, I see my psychologist and he so kindly helps me get back on track and reminds me that I have to negotiate these feelings daily, not bully them like a big fat meany or ignore them like a three year old. It’s exhausting negotiating daily and some days it takes every last crumb of mental energy I have, and some I have to forage from the floor, to get through the day. Peace comes when I get to lay my head down at night and hope everything goes quiet for a while. Even though I don’t sleep well, it’s the only time I don’t feel like I have to manage all of the bullshit.
Along with this comes a lot of guilt. I feel guilty that my daughter and fiancé have to deal with this. They have to deal with my incessant worrying, my sadness, being withdrawn or angry or irritable.
I’m not sure where I’m going with this post but it feels like I’m all over the board, not really making a singular point, just rambling. Which is ok I guess, since it fits my mood right now. Sometimes it’s good therapy to just write it all down.
I joined a new group on flickr called This Is Today!. You post one picture a day for 365 days, to show the rest of the flicker-ites your life. Today was Day 1 for me, which included a lot of boring laundry. My parents have been here on vacation since Friday. They left for home this morning so I have some straightening up to do to get things back to normal.
Even though the commitment isn’t that steep, I debated joining because some days it seems like this computer and I are connected at the hip and it makes me want to run away and do something adventurous like get the mail without shoes on or wave to a neighbor.
I want to stay creative and this is at least forcing me to take pictures. Who knows, maybe the pictures will somehow invoke The Great Storyteller in me. Then we’re all in trouble.
Originally uploaded by {christy_b}
Revenge and Forgiveness
my sickened heart is your sweet revenge
so is it mine, you see
as i gracefully hand it back to you
my offer of forgiveness
smirk upon my lips
tender, sticky words
my heart doesn’t peel so easily this time
the sweetness in the throat is mine to claim now
and you with a sickened heart tethered to your fingers
revenge may be sweet, but hidden within forgiveness it becomes an unforgettable sour
© copyright July 2008-All Rights Reserved
This was submitted to the flickr group Mission24. The mission, to be completed in 24 hours, was to interpret the word(s) Revenge and Forgiveness. This was my interpretation.
One of the reasons for starting this blog was to encourage me to write. I have so many thoughts during the day, I actually feel a twinge of guilt as they pass through, barely acknowledged. Where do you start though? How do you make it flow? I’ve read several books on writing and, specifically, journaling. One that’s caught my attention is “Inner Outings: Adventures in Journal Writing” by Charlene Geiss. I’m not finished with the book yet mainly because of the Diarist’s Deck that’s included. It’s a deck of decorative cards with journaling prompts on them like: Celebrating My Strengths, I am Grateful For… and Friends. I really love the feel of these cards, they’re decorative in a way that gets your mind stirring.
I’ll pepper the blog with them occassionally and see how they kickstart my thought process!
